You learn things when you stay up late...

...Things you probably don't want to know. I was just now sitting on my front porch, after midnight. I was smoking a cigarette and reading emails. A car pulled up to the stop sign in front of my house and a guy got out. Looked like he might of dropped something. All of the sudden, I realize he's taking a piss. Right in front of my house.
Me: What the f@@$ are you doing?!!
Drunken Jerk: Peeing in the drain.
Me: Wah...k...ff..tt?!! Get your ass home and use your own bathroom!
Jerk: I was trying, but I couldn't make it... Sorry bro.
He zips up, gets in and the car speeds off.
What the hell? Is this a common after midnight occurrence in my 'hood? I wouldn't know, but I fear the answer.
And as I'm relating this story in an email to someone else, I can hear several voices screaming at each other from about two blocks down the street.
This is the ghetto after dark.
As I'm getting ready to go back inside, I notice a couple walking down the street, so I sit still. They walk past me, cut across the corner of my lawn and head up the street. I resist the urge to yell at them for using my yard as a sidewalk. Probably prudent since they were crackheads; I hear him yell at her after they've rounded my house:
"Mutha f##@ing dyke! I ain't gonna smoke witchu! F@!%ing dyke!"
That's it! I've had it. I'm buying a gun.
A big pump 12-gauge, just to rest on my lap when I'm on the porch. I don't even need shells. Just something to cock loudly whenever I get audacious visitors.

Repetition breeds creativity

I believe I've lamented on this blog before about my short-lived infatuation with the White Stripes. I bought Elephant a few months ago and decided it was the best rock album I'd heard in five years. Awesome. I played it all the time in my car, which meant that Nicholas heard it repeatedly. And he liked it too. A lot. So even though my love affair with Elephant subsided after a few weeks, Nicholas carried on. He wants to hear it every time we get in the car.
But not the whole thing. Just a few chosen songs, in the same exact order. Songs that he's devised new names for.

Stripes' title:..................................Nicholas' title:
Seven Nation Army............................The Drum Song
Black Math........................................The Power Drum Song
In The Cold, Cold Night......................Pie, Pie, Pie
Ball and Biscuit..................................Number 8
The Hardest Button To Button.............Baby Cry
Little Acorns......................................The Piano Song
Hypnotise.........................................Tongue-Tied
Girl, You Have No Faith In Medicine.....Girl You Have No Medicine

Stylin'

I tried this suit on at Downtown Shoes and Boutique, a little clothes shop on Main Street. I was there to interview the owner for a story, but I couldn't resist this coat. She teased me and called me a 'soul brother.' I needed a blue hat, too. The kind with the turned-up brim that you wear cocked to one side.

One goal down...

So this morning I stepped on the bathroom scale and I weighed 185 pounds. It took me a minute to realize I weighed that much when I graduated from high school. High school! I was 18!
I've lost 25 pounds. My pants don't fit me anymore. I've lost five inches from my waist. I had to punch a new hole in my belt. These are all good problems to have.
The only bad part is that losing weight does not in and of itself cause fitness and I'm going to have to start exercising. Someday.

Jealousy

An old friend of mine sent out an email a few weeks ago announcing that he was leaving his cushy government job as an engineer with the county in Seattle. It seemed like a sweet gig, at least from my perspective 2,000 miles away. One year he took off a total of 31 days to travel. Not a month off, 31 work days.
But the email had no word about where he was going. Turns out he's doing this.
Now I want to quit my job to do home improvement projects.

It's a good day when...

I just got back from a friend's 30th birthday party at her parents' mansion down in Byron. What a great day. Worked out in the yard cleaning up the sidewalks. My neighbor took a gas-powered edger to the lawns, so today I spent the afternoon scraping up six-inch wide scraps of sod that had crept over the concrete. It was 90 degrees out. Thanks to the heat and my 20-lbs-slimmer figure, I did it all with my shirt off. Which meant I was soaked in sweat and then coated with a light sheen of dust. Like a fish filet rolled in flour. When I took off my socks, it looked like I was still wearing them because of the caked dirt.
But after I put Nicholas to bed and got a babysitter, I took the scenic drive down to Byron on Route 2. Always relaxing. Then, the hosts had just put in a new pool, so after eating a catered meal, I went swimming. And there was the greatest hot tub in the world, one with multiple jets that shot at your back. When I looked up into the sky, I could see all the stars because we were so far away from the city. Everyone kept seeing shooting stars, too.
It was awesome.

Oohs and aahs

I took Nicholas to the biggest fireworks display in Illinois last night. It was two hours past his bedtime, so he was wound up. He bounced from person to person at the park where we were sitting. And when I say bounced, I mean it. He jumped on his grandpa’s chest several times. He was bucked off his back during a bronco ride. He latched onto the leg of my cousin’s friend and wouldn’t let go. He wrapped his arms around his uncle’s neck and tried to pull him over.
Then the fireworks started. Here’s his reaction.

I did it!!

I got a 163!
(If you don't know what I'm talking about, send me an email).