I write the songs that make only a tiny part of the world sing

In the pantheon of stupid ideas Rockford has come up with to justify itself to the rest of the world, I think I've found the greatest achievement. But first let's take a moment to remember a couple of the best...
There is the timeless Symbol welcoming drivers - and warding off evil spirits - along Illinois 251. I've always thought the giant red sculpture looks like a cross between a garish Christmas present bow and a medieval weapon.
There's my personal favorite, a tourism bureau advertising blitz from the 1990s. The tagline was "Rockford: A different kind of greatness." Huh?
But this one is the best by far. Apparently, the 'ole Chamber of Commerce once took it upon themselves to put together a collection of amateur songwriters' ditties on Rockford. Pure awful. Among the lyrics: "Catch a smile on the Whitman Street bridge."
Please, please, please visit this link and listen. I just can't do it justice here.

The truth about law school

So all my finals are over. Worst time ever. To all my readers who want to know what my life has been like in law school, I think this video sums it up better than I could:

Running away with your mind

The parking lot for law students is more than a quarter mile walk from the law school. But the path is through a forest and over a gulch that has a long wooden bridge over it. It's rather scenic during the day, but at night it's a bit spooky. Of course, as a 6' 2" male, I'm not really worried I'll be mugged or assaulted, but that doesn't prevent my mind from getting imaginative when it's dark.

Last night I shut down the law library, so I had to walk out to my car at midnight. About three students from another part of campus were walking along a path that crossed mine before I entered the woods. I didn't know them so we just passed each other without a greeting. As I walked into the dark forest, my mind started its usual wandering. I told myself, "I don't believe in spooks, I don't believe in spooks." Then rational thought took over and reminded me that there was nothing to be afraid of. I crossed the bridge.

One of the threesome screamed. My back of my neck got cold. Then my rational mind took over again: I'm sure one of them was just fooling around, I thought. After all, who would take on three people? The attacker wouldn't be able to prevail against them all. Unless it was a huge blood-lusting monster with fangs and mouth tentacles and an insatiable hunger for human flesh.

If so, I thought, there's nothing I can do because I'll be mauled and eaten within minutes. So I walked to my car and drove home.

The latest advancement

Thanks to the urging of a friend of the Institute, we here at the Partially Caffeinated headquarters have made significant capital investments in our research laboratory. The Mr. Coffee espresso maker (pictured, right) was acquired for $40 through a generous grant from the Jitters Foundation.
While the do-it-yourself stovetop latte has provided much of the Institute's baseline data on caffeine consumption over the years, the appointment of our head researcher to law school makes easy access to espresso no longer just a luxury, but a categorical imperative.
So thanks, Howard, for the advice. The machine makes four shots of espresso at a time -- all of which can fit handily in a regular mug for morning coffee!

Nicholas loves dogs

I'm staying with a friend who has a large chocolate Labrador, Charlie. I've had Nicholas spend the night several times with me. He loves this dog. Now he begs to visit so he can play with him.
Earlier this week after I got him ready for bed, he decided that it was time for Charlie to go bed too. Here's video of him singing a lullaby to the dog in its cage.

Scientific limits

Here at the Partially Caffeinated Institute, we conduct research testing the limits of human coffee consumption. But we always put safety first. Using formulas proved worthy after decades of improvement, we've determined exactly how much caffeine a person can consume before complete organ failure.
We offer this site in service to mankind. According to our experiments, it would take almost 85 cups of drip coffee to kill our director.

Aspirations

Nicholas was watching a DVD show with firefighters this morning. They put out fires, he told me.
Do you wanna be a firefighter? I asked.
No, he replied.
What do you wanna be when you grow up?
A bumblebee.

Wild cats

Spoken by Nicholas while looking outside for his mom's cat:
"Where's Willow? I think she's having a cat party with all her friends. I had a party when I turned 5."

Do not taunt Happy Fun ball

My colleague Melissa used to work in a bureau, a remote outpost deep in the bush of Boone County. Now she works in my office. Yesterday, she had this interchange with a reporter who's still out there in the bureau about an iPod alarm clock thingy that she left there. Jerry is another employee who works out there...

From: K
Sent: Thursday, May 22, 2008 11:35 AM
To: M
Subject: your clock

Hey, your alarm clock/radio goes off every day at 3:30 p.m. and we don't know how to stop it.

From: M
Sent: Thursday, May 22, 2008 11:36 AM
To: K
Subject: RE: your clock

ok, that's super-weird. just unplug it maybe??

From: K
Sent: Thursday, May 22, 2008 11:36 AM
To: M
Subject: RE: your clock

We did. But it kept going anyway. Then, Wednesday, it killed Jerry. Now the walls won't stop bleeding.

Good answer

A man staggered under the crippling burdens of his life, falling to his knees in despair before all of Heaven. He raised his hands in agony, demanding of God, "Why me, Lord?"

And a Voice from Heaven rang out, "Why not you?"

(Stolen from commenter 'Jean' in this post)

Bye, bye comfort and luxury

I have to buy a new (used) car. My 2001 Ford Explorer is getting way too expensive to fill up -- I'm going to hit $75 a tank with gas approaching $4 a gallon. Did I mention it sucks down petrol at the rate of about 14 miles a gallon in the city?
I'll probably be driving back and forth regularly to see Nicholas after I go to law school, which is a 175 miles one way. So I'm opting for an economy car.

A part of me died to write that.

You see, I thought I had given up little cars for good when I bought my honking SUV two years ago. My 6'2" frame fits inside it comfortably. I can haul stuff. I can stomp on the gas and it moves. It's fun to drive in the snow. When I commuted back and forth to the suburbs every day, I drove a Hyundai Accent and then a Saturn SC2. While the Hyundai was acceptable because it had some headroom, I hated the Saturn because it was too low slung.
But the cold, hard reality is that I'll need a commuter car again to trek between Iowa City and Rockford. Blecch. Here's the hatchback I'm considering, a 2005 Kia Rio Cinco.
There's pros and cons to this deal. Here they are...
What I'll get:
Twice the gas mileage.
Warm feelings knowing that my carbon footprint is diminished (yeah, I wasn't really losing sleep over that one anyway).
A CD player that works consistently (who cares, all my music is MP3s now anyway).
What I'll have to do without:
Cruise control
Power windows
Tilt steering that actually accommodates my frame.
Power door locks
Stretching out my legs while driving.
Power mirrors
Acceleration
Power seat adjustment
Cargo room and a roof rack
A quiet, smooth ride
Antilock brakes
Less expensive insurance rates
Enjoyable driving

A pinwheel spin

Here's Nicholas enjoying a birthday present from his grandparents in China. Warning: video may cause dizziness.

Mixing metaphors

On Saturday it was so windy that Nicholas & I lost a kite. But before that, we were driving down the street & he said:
"The grass is blowing like a shimmering volcano."
Yeah, he's a poet.

Givin' ain't easy

Gave my pint of O+ today. A few lessons learned:
1. I don't care how old you are, when a nurse sticks a needle the size of a coffee straw into your arm, it HURTS.
2. Don't stand up quickly after depositing a pint of blood from your body into a plastic bladder. It makes the nurses nervous when you say that you're dizzy.
3. Don't drink three bottles of apple juice in rapid succession after giving blood. Because it might as well be prune juice when you drink that much of it.
4. In fact, don't give blood at 9 a.m. at all. Wait until after lunch when you've been eating all day.